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Tarja: What lies beneath

28/09/10 || Altmer

Tarja. The name induces fucking laughter when you talk to metalheads. Every person in the scene knows what Nightwish did in 2005: fire the tits that got them success. They have a new singer now, less skilled than Tarja, but suiting Nightwish’s pop-metal. But Tarja, in her anger and avarice, went her own way and started releasing solo records. Her first album was received like shit as far as I remember, and I didn’t listen to it, because I had no interest in it.

But GD makes us eat our prejudices sometimes. Now I have to actually fucken listen to the gal singing. Screw that. But here we go. The first song is actually good, what do you know. It doesn’t even sound like Nightwish. It doesn’t sound like anything she’s ever done, even. It features really nice Queenish multitracked vocals, some Emilie Autumn inspired moments even – it sounds fresh. I am amazed. She does do that Bjork thing on the verses though, and it pisses me off. Fuck you for that shit.

The next song continues where she left off with her last solo album and NW career. You know the crap: super-infectious sugary melodies, half-riffs, crappy operatic vocals, and the occasional guitar solo. Sometimes she uses keyboard electronics to spice things up. Or not, since that happens every song. The songs all sound exactly the same sound-wise, with the exception of the first song. If you know what the word dreary means, you should apply it to this album because that is exactly what this is. It is all so disgustingly similar and samey that it’s sickening.

The rest of the songs are pretty much all following the formula. Some songs are faster. Some songs are slower. They try to pull the heartstrings like a pro. If you are thirteen you might fall for it. But to hear some chick sing “I feel IMMOWTAL” and “I’m not sceeered” (yes, she is trying to sing “scared”). This is six feet below my tolerance of good music. Yes, I said good music because I know this pretends to be metal, but it contains no more metal than a vat full of extremely sweet molasses. The lyrics are similar bullshit suitable for twelve year olds. Sung by someone who can’t pronounce English. So, fuck it.

Can Tarja sing? Yes, most of the time (the super high notes and the Bjork voice are fucken irritating). Is she trying to be über-bombastic? For sure. But the arrangements don’t work, and for some reason the bass sound is uber loud and it overpowers the guitars completely. It is irritating, samey music that has no place in this world. At least Nightwish has catchy songs with a good production. This album has neither a suitable production, nor the songwriting skills of Tuomas Holopainen (he fails too, occasionally, but you can tell he is accomplished and skilled).

This album is just like the rest of the female fronted metal bands out there. Pseudo-heavy. It has the occasional good riff, or the occasional neat idea, but the songs don’t work as a whole. It’s just some neat ideas meshed together in an incoherent whole, with pretentious keys over the top to make it sound interesting. They managed that on the first track, and after that, the album descends into the same irrelevancy all the other bands in this genre offer. This is no different from Delain. Or ReVamp. Or Tristania’s newer output. Lacuna Coil. Evanescence. They all try to tug at heartstrings that we don’t need to be tugged at anymore. This is the same crap you have heard ten times before from other bands who have done it better than Tarja can.

Please, Tarja, give us real music, instead of spoon-fed sugar like you do with this album. Maybe we’ll care about your crap next time then. But for now, this is as shit as ever. Fuck Tarja, fuck her band, and fuck everything she tries to do. Die.

Recommendation: Disband, die, or hire someone to write good songs for you. Any of them. But if you die, I think the world will be a happier place anyhow.

2,5

Information
Released: 2010
Label:
Website: www.tarjaturunen.com
Band
Tarja Turunen: vocals
Marzi Nyman: guitars
Alex Scholpp: guitars
Doug Wimbish: bass
Christian Kretschmar: keyboards and Hammond organ
Mike Terrana: drums
Phil Labonte: guest vocals
Joe Satriani: guest guitars
Van Canto: guest vocals
Will Calhoun: guest drums
Max Lilja: guest cello

Tracklist
01. Anteroom of Death
02. Until My Last Breath
03. I Feel Immortal
04. In For a Kill
05. Underneath
06. Little Lies
07. Rivers of Lust
08. Dark Star
09. Falling Awake
10. The Archive of Lost Dreams
11. Crimson Deep
Deluxe Bonus Disc Tracks
01. We Are
02. Naiad
03. Still of the Night

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